Moving away from "nice"

Many of us have been told how important it is to make a “good impression” in an interview,  and it is - But what do we internalize when we hear the word “good”?

I conjure up an image of a real Good Girl, someone who’s nice, friendly, warm, doesn’t intimidate anyone, laughs at jokes, anticipates needs, and makes everyone around her comfortable - basically a 1950s television housewife. 

Do you know how many times I’ve interviewed for the job of a 1950s housewife? Exactly zero. 

In another life I auditioned...er interviewed...frequently for acting roles in television, film and theater.  I would get a few pages of dialogue - sometimes a single line - to prepare in advance, a very sparse description of a character, and a 5 min time slot to read in front of the casting director. Often that 5 min slot lasted about 45 seconds. Sounds brutal right? There’s no time to waste “getting ready” or “warming up” into the character. It’s essential that you walk into the room (or log on to the zoom call!)  the way you want to be seen. 

This principle applies to myriad high stakes performative situations, like a job interview. 

Clarity is key

Before you go into a default nice mode for an interview,  get very clear on what the job you’re applying for requires. 

A client of mine, Sydney, was among a small handful of candidates to become a head of school for an elite private boarding school. She was selected through a national search, and had already gone through multiple steps to be considered for the position. One of the last hoops included a zoom interview with multiple board and faculty members. During the interview she felt like she made a strong connection with everyone - she vigorously engaged in the intellectual discourse, expounded on her educational theories, answered every question quickly, and remained positive throughout. Shockingly, she didn’t make it to the next round of the process. Before we met, Sydney went through this disappointing cycle with multiple schools. She’d have a great application, good recommendations, a promising initial phone call with a recruiter, a “successful” committee interview, and then nothing. 

Be honest with yourself

In our work together, Sydney wanted to get to the bottom of why she wasn’t progressing in these candidate searches. After we recorded one mock interview, the reason emerged and was painfully clear. 

Sydney was too nice. 

“I feel like I’ve been operating from the completely wrong paradigm” she said. She said she felt like she was watching herself on a date. “Why was I laughing and smiling so much?” She could see that the bubbly and fun persona she presented in the interview was confusing given the job she was applying for. 

Embrace the many dimensions of your personality

While that persona had helped her build rapport with students and parents in her current role as a teacher and administrator, it did not showcase the leadership skills and gravitas she would need to run an entire school.

Did Sydney believe that she could handle a school-wide crisis, unite a disjointed faculty, go head-to-head with parents and board members on difficult issues? Absolutely. But the way she presented herself in interviews made it nearly impossible for others to see her that way. Instead of focusing on likability and pleasantness, Sydney needed to channel her authoritative presence.

You have the agency to align the image of yourself in your head with the image that you present to the world. What are the qualities required for the role that you want? Don’t put the pressure on your interviewer to imagine something that isn’t present. Consider the qualities inherent in the position that you want ahead of time, and practice harnessing them so you can bring them into the room with you once you land that interview. 

with love and respect,

Malika

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